The Hunger Game Is Never In Your Favour

Now that I’ve stopped crying, again. Let me tell you what it was about this time. Hopefully this will be read by one other person in a crap situation too so they know they aren’t the only one. For now, let’s get started.

I saw this tweet:

Was just at a store when a teen in front of me tried to buy a hot pretzel sandwich

The manager rudely announces for all to hear;
you know you can’t buy hot food on food stamps

His head lowered of embarrassment
So I quietly add it to my bill & hand it to him

Acts of love win

— MommaT (@tweetmommybop) August 10, 2018

It made me realise, I’m lucky. I have very little in the way of things to be proud of but I have a lot of stuff. However, there’s people going hungry everyday. There’s people being unkind to one another because that’s what the system says. The system that tells them to be unkind screws the unkind person over everyday too. That system makes us compete for work, when work is used as a way of ‘giving value’ to people. Then once you’ve got the job you’re ‘better’ than someone without. Guess what, you know you’re not The Best because this system has levels. Now you’re just a player in the system trying to gain the next level. With that level comes more money.

That money, however, doesn’t buy you a better moral compass or make you a more kind person. It makes you want more money; it makes you do more and more wild things to get the money. It doesn’t teach you how to say “how are you” and mean it because you’ve been in really bad places – it teaches you to say, “coming through, where’s my pot of gold.”

I’ve two partners. One is a final year bachelor’s student (X). The other is my long suffering spouse/PA (Q). They both know about each other don’t worry – this isn’t news. However, the same system, let’s call it the hunger game, that’s what it is – the hunger for more and more, screws both of them far more than I do. Everyday Q fails to see the carer they give me; they fail to recognise it as work; they feel crap because they don’t see they have a job; they feel crap because society tells them they need to have a job outside the house that pays them. The truth is they have a job as my PA, they provide me with a great deal of emotional and practical support. They are paid but from the DWP in the form of Carers’ Allowance (£64.60 per week). They drive me around to place I want to go. This alone at national living wage would be £46.98 – since I require around 6 hours every week to be driven. That is as a base level sometimes it’s considerably more. They also help me cook and do shopping, this help easily numbers the same again. The minimum hours they have to provide care for before they can get Carers’ Allowance is 35 hours. This income is deducted from our overall welfare allowance so it is mostly claimed because if it wasn’t, Q wouldn’t have their national insurance credit given which means they’d lose out in later life at pension time. If however, I was to have a full-time PA on standby for those times where I have panic attacks or get intrusive thoughts along with idealization of self-harm/suicide on top of the other care, basically 24/7 at NLW of £7.83 you’d be looking more at a bill of £1,315.44 a week. However, people still call Q a lay about and tell them they should get a job. Despite working hard often for little thanks and no recognition for 4.9% of the income. This is all before the maths that accounts for the minimum wage of a care worker of £8.45 an hour.

On to partner X. They’re currently on summer vacation from uni’. They are on the magic £8.45 (not as my carer ;( ) however, they’re on a 0 hours contract. This means they need someone else to be on holiday or ill before they get work. With a rent to pay and a life to live this money don’t cut it. Recently I’ve taken to doing batch cooking and splitting it three ways. This benefits all three of us because we’re actually all eating and it’s cheaper for me+Q to buy in bulk and it’s free food for X. Students get a small about of money to live on during term time but they get nothing during the holidays. Unless they are prepared to take out term only leases and hunt for a new one every years they still have bills. This system tells X if they want gold they need to work for it. If they want a good amount of gold to live reasonably on they need to study. It, however, doesn’t support that learning and development. It criticies students for not feeding into the system right away while crying it doesn’t have enough people to make everything in the system work as desired. So, when the system has worked somebody hard and they’re unwell and X can get work – this often results in them having to cancel or re-arrange pre-made plans. Of course suitable housing and life costs have to come first but, the affect it has on X and their social connections when they’re always having to drop out of stuff isn’t necessary. This is unrequited demand on a brain that’s still growing and really needs to relax so they can achieve the magical bit of paper that the system demands to give them access to nice pots of gold. They shouldn’t have to worry about where rent is going to come from or crap like that. Nor should they feel guilty because I’m sharing my ‘resources’ with them from love and kindness. Nobody should feel guilty or shame for taking help when they need it but guess what? Hunger game says they should because they don’t do enough.

Here’s the crucks of it. Hunger game is fake. It’s something we all subscribe to because it’s the norm. We chastise people for breaking the system when they steal. For taking more money than they need in the way of benefit fraud (which is rare btw). It congratulates those that make lots of money and when they screw up they’re dealt with much more kindly than either of my partners or I would be. You are worth more than your output/productivity. We should all steal – WHAT WE NEED. Stop paying transport fees. Stop paying rents and going to work. All of these things keep us submissive and willing to fight each other and shame each other for not being a good hungry player of this game.

For as long as we keep doing everything we’re expected to by the system nothing will change. We need to change us and crash the system. A metaphorical blue screen of death crash. Collaboration is what we need in life and kindness not capitalism and cruelty.

Paper Hearts

I wear a mask of a warrior.

It is unreadable and solid.

This armour protects me from the harshness and kindness that I don’t deserve.

It deflects the relentless attacks on my being that would hurt me.

I know this is a mask because I can take it off.

It gets hot and claustrophobic under here.

I want nothing more than to take it off and breathe freely the cool air that reaches the rest of my being.

When I do, it is rare for nobody to mock, ridicule or be scared by what they see.

The frequent chinks in my armour give people a glance below.

I wonder if they noticed, fearful of their negativity.

Fearful of their opportunist attack upon my rawness.

Fearful of the pain from the harshness and the cognitive dissonance of the kindness.

The mirror I gaze into reflects me, to me in the perceptions and perspective of me.

The reflection is not only of that moment in time or that space in this dimension of this universe, it cascades back to the start of my time.

I see all past versions of me.

Some I pity, some I hate, some I envy and some I miss.

The harshness I hide from is truth.

The Kindness is too.

Both are given in that moment in time, in that space of this dimension of this universe.

Neither can delete nor replace the previous installations.

When you have had your being sanded down to dust it feels impossible to rebuild.

No matter how similar the likeness may be the particles still remember being ground and destroyed.

Removing the armour to risk another erosion is to hope.

To hope that there’s enough glue to repair and enough particles to reattach.

If you only see my armour, ask why?

Why do you not see it lies upon a fragile, raw being?

If you see only my armour but never fully behind it, ask why?

Why do I hide from you?

Why do you want to know what is behind here.

I have taken off my mask.

I stand here and show you me.

I’ve cut paper hearts and wrote messages upon them.

I feel so intensely about so many things.

Some make me so miserable I want to cry.

Some make me feel so good I want to die.

More often though they make me ask why.

Why shouldn’t you take out your emery paper?

Why must you, me, we, feel like this.

Why don’t I show this me to everybody?

Why can people not all see me like the few that like what’s behind this steal?

Why don’t I let myself breathe and feel the cool air you blow across my skin?

Why do I fear your sand paper but not the chisel wearing away within?

All the feeling I spend on others are missing from me.

When they are given back tenfold I am glad.

But fear they are spiked with mould and will make my water go bad.

I need to let myself analyse every drip and drop.

This causes a delay for evaporation to happen.

I must let go and let people be the spring to my well.

A well is only useful as long as it doesn’t run dry.

It stops existing when it crumbles and decays.

I need to limit access to my water while my tables rise again.

Then only hydrate those that deserve all of me.

Junk Mail Could Save Your Skin!

As I brushed my hair readying it to be sprayed with heat protection before blow drying it for bed, I had one of my frequent depressing thoughts. It was triggered by my partner messing around with their Phillips Hue Colour bulb attempting to get the colour and brightness just right so they could relax and wind-down for bed.

 

Now, state benefits and pension payments are paid directly into an account, these payments could mount up with nobody realising. We also now have direct debits fairly universally for paying our utilities, these too can continue as long as the state keeps adding to the account. Presuming that the debits never exceed the account credit – you could leave that side of personal finance well alone and it would go on indefinitely. Actually, it’s less of a presumption and more a fact, since this is what I do. Also, since there would be money coming and going from the account, I doubt it would be flagged as being inactive. Now, this is where the smart-bulb comes to play.

 

With home automation becoming more affordable to most in society, we can enjoy not having to open curtains/drapes; turn lights on and off; vacuum floors; turn plugs on and off etc. Another advantage is you can make your home look reasonably lived in even when it’s unoccupied. This combined with the above paragraph would essentially allow you to maintain your home while you were off travelling the world. If you’re a fairly isolated person with no real routines outside of your home – this would also allow you to die in peace and decay without anyone finding your body for many years.

 

I voiced this theory with my partner and they agreed. Then I realised, perhaps the detailed orientated neighbour might notice you’ve not put your rubbish out for collection in a while. Partner then pointed out that if you live in a multi-story building you might have a rubbish-chute which would mean – no rubbish bin to be observed. Moreover, sending a big truck to pick-up rubbish from people’s homes seems fairly cumbersome and not very efficient way of doing things so could possibly change in the future. So, there may once again be no wheelie bin to observe.

 

I considered the GP surgery noticing. However, as we live longer and the positive effects of the healthier lives a lot of us now lead compared to prior generations our illness frequency should reduce too. Why would a practice worry about a silent patient who hasn’t been around for a few years, they’re super busy after all. I know at my local practice it has nearly 10,000 patients on the books. This is all very bleak isn’t it?

 

Here’s some more bleakness for you! As we increasingly move to electronic communication such as email our actual mail goes down. Except for junk mail! I’ve heard stories of people lying dead for months and the only reasons the neighbours knew anything was wrong, was because of mail piling up or spilling from the letter flap on the door. Perhaps signing up to all those mailing lists for garden centres and supermarkets could stop your skeleton being found and instead just your decomposed remains :D – if you don’t like this thought very much, a mail catcher could have you in a mortuary a few weeks quicker. In the meantime make all the junk mail into briquettes and use them instead of charcoal for BBQ’s and hope all those pesky marketing companies don’t listen to you and stop spamming your door matt.

 

Off to sleep now, sleep well!

Good Communication Not Bad Sensation

Picture by me, more drawings over here!

I can prepare for a situation. At least when I know roughly what the situation entails. Today we had an electrical test booked in. Last time this was carried out, it was just a case of checking the trip switches and a few sockets. This was all I was expecting this time too. However, when the electricians rolled up they informed us they’d also be replacing two old smoke detectors and installing another. They didn’t tell us that they would be removing our bathroom light fitting and replacing it with a ‘Euro-dome’ light. This may seem trivial but this changes the expected situation beyond all parameters and thus it’s no longer something I’m prepared for.

Even a slight bit of better communication would have made this a tolerable situation once again. After talking to the landlord it’s been explained that as part of the new contract they have with the company any fails are to be remediated as they are found. This saves the housing association an additional call out fee and the additional labour etc. I explained the massive difference between the situation in the letter and the one that happened and the resulting stress this caused. Thankfully, the person I spoke with seemed genuinely interested in improving the experience for the next round of tenants that will have ‘electrical testing’ carried out, to reflect that remedial works if needed will be carried out on the day. Just this small bit of extra information can make a substantial difference to somebody who, needs to know, what is going to happen when a stranger comes into their environment.

As for the light situation, I explained that I had a Hive smart bulb in the bathroom to allow me to adjust the brightness – since my eyes and head can be very painful at times if the lighting is too bright. I also explained that this was a solution that we had found that works for us and that had saved them a small fortune from not having to replace all our light switches with dimmer switches. The person I spoke with got straight onto the company to sort out the problem. Unfortunately, we now have to wait for the company to get back in touch to come out and replace the the old style fitting that can accommodate the B22 bulb. The irony here is that a lack of communication has undone the clever thinking to avoid additional call outs.

It bamboozles me how difficult some people find clear, concise and human communication. In all sectors, not just in the public one, there will be people who need more details than: what, where and when. I don’t believe it’s too difficult to to add: what, where, when, how long, how many people, what will happen and an invitation to get in contact for further clarification. Moreover, calling to ask if an appointment is still suitable when I’ve not even had one arranged with me just riles me no end. If you need me to arrange an appointment, text me a link or email me one. I realise this wouldn’t work for everyone and an opt in system would be good. If people don’t make an appointment after so many attempts to contact them, say three, then call them. When you’re a company with actual offices, is it too much you at least show a landline number when you call rather than having your mobile staff that can’t actually reschedule me call from their mobile numbers. It’s the small things that make a huge difference.

This will be too much information for some people and they will no doubt ask what’s the point? That’s fair enough but the same people might need that amount of info in other parts of their life where it’s lacking. A consistent amount of info would be useful to people that need it everywhere.

This doesn’t just go for trades people visiting social housing but also at hospital appointments. I’m a great believer that learning is vital and also slightly narcissistic and believe my body is something special in scientific terms, this is because lots of medics have said so. So, it’s probably more truth than begging myself up J - but, my point is there will be people that go to an appointment expecting to see one medic and there is also student(s) present and despite not wanting them there, they agree to allow them to stay. If patients could always advocate for themselves medics might have less problems managing expectations. There’s still a huge belief that ‘doctor knows best’. While the medic may know more, it doesn’t mean they know best. The other problem with the ‘doctor knows best’ philosophy, is it can sometimes limit people’s ability to ask questions that they may have. Which as a consequence may affect the concept of, informed consent to treatments. Whilst, this is a significantly different paradigm to trades people, it all comes back to the level of openness and information.

If there is greater openness and someone feels there’s a lack of information, they would hopefully, feel more able to ask because the lack of said details would be on the other person not the individual. Asking something that you feel you should know can make you feel inadequate which can cause you to feel embarrassed thus restricts you from asking. Had I thought this would be any different I’d of asked but we get annual gas/central heating checks and they’ve remained the same so why would the electrical testing change? I’m glad to have been taught that there’s no such thing as a stupid question.

Mind you, calling the electoral office to find out what would happen if someone died before their postal vote had been counted was perhaps, fairly obscure but still not stupid. The answer is, it’s counted as if you hadn’t died. In a way, it’s a self-proxy vote in the most meta way.

New Year, Old Me!

See more of my art on Instagram.

My desires for this year are few in number but perhaps more challanging and if I achieve them all, the significance would be inordinate. Here they are:

1) Make It To 2019

Although it’s primarily my daily occupation to keep myself alive, it’s also down to you all to help me do this one. I’ll do the critical parts like breathing and that kinda thing (as much as I can) and if you peeps could just try not killing me, that would be sweet. :)

2) Try To See My Tailwinds

It’s often easier to see our headwinds, the things that slow us down, and not to see our tailwinds, the things that give us positive boosts. But this year I want to try and be more aware of the good things I’ve got. This morning, 6^th of Jan, I woke up after a night of bizarre dreams all clammy – I woke up √; in a bed √; in my own bed √; inside a weather-proof building √; warm √; safe √; with the same health as I went to sleep with √ and knowing today I could do potentially anything I wanted to do - with in my abilities and reality √. These are things that we often take for granted. However, not everyone has the fortune of having.

3) To Benefit From Therapy

Completion is simple I go, sit down and talk for 50 minutes. Benefitting and working with the therapist to improve my psychological and psychiatric health is a different story. For someone who could be described, fairly, as tenacious and perhaps somewhat stubborn this could be more difficult. My therapist is a good match from what I’ve felt so far. I believe it’s more than achievable.

4) To Complete 3 Extremes

This one is slightly more difficult but only due to logistics. I want to complete:

• A skydive

• A scuba dive to a wreck

• An ascent of Beinn Nibheis (Ben Nevis)

Air, land and sea not in that order necessarily but those three extremes. If you or someone you know can help please drop me a message.

5) To Improve My Gàidhlig

Going over and over my Ùlpan material is one way to reinforce and relearn the stuff I’ve already been taught. However, I’m going to try to set time aside to put the Beurla away and build upon this with the help of online, radio and TV from the BBC. Of course, if the local authority runs a level 2 Ùlpan course that would be fìor mhath! There are also some conversational groups knocking around which I would like to get to – after all, I don’t want to be a Gàidhlig Manuel - here's a clip if you don’t get the reference.

6) Self Mobilise

It’s been years since I had any need to get out on my own. I’ve come to believe this is something I can’t do anymore. I know this is not true and comes from a place of fear. Even if it is once a month I will get out on my own. Even if it is to the end of the block. Even if I get lost and need Sam to come find me. Even if I am terrified and it’s the last day of the month and I’ve put it off everyday. I will do this. Even if in my head completing ambition #4 seems way easier and more doable in reality. I used to have more sight but still not a lot and did so much more than I do now. I’ve learned to fear everything – I want to unlearn omnifear and reduce it to logifear. Fear should be a reaction not a reason. Action should succeed reason not reaction.

Realistically, all these are theoretically achievable. However, realistically it’s probable they wont all be achieved. The first step is always to success or failure and we never know which until we arrive.

 BRING IT ON!